When you bought your house, were you like, "Yes, hello? Realtor? I'm in the market for a mansion."
How many people, on average, are sleeping in your house?
What we're trying to say is: How did you seriously legitimize the need for 14 bedrooms?
Would you notice if I found a room and slept in your house?
Are all the exits clearly marked?
What happens when you lose your keys? Do you just give up?
Do you know where your cat is?
Have you ever gotten together a dozen friends and timed it so every one peed in one of your 12 bathrooms at the exact same moment?
No, really, has anyone seen Boots?
Do you ever feel like in this day and age that the word man-sion feels too gendered?
Do you ever skateboard through the hallways?
Do you put on The Pointer Sisters' "Jump for My Love" on every one of your 283 speakers and dance from room-to-room à la Hugh Grant in Love Actually?
What is in the West Wing and why can't I go in there?
Can you get room service?
When you're alone, do you ever just yell to see if anyone would come to help you if you were about to die?
Any sign of Boots yet? Did you check the security tapes? Maybe he's in the conservatory?
Do you ever use your private movie theater just to check up on the news or weather?
Is the dusting done on one continuous loop? Because it would seem that by the time you finish, it'd be time to start again ...
What's with all the cream and beige tones?
Oh god where is Boots. DID HE GO IN THE WEST WING.
Does your home have some classy, British-sounding name like Boddington Park? Or Ravenclaw?
Do you need to use Google Maps to find your way around your own house?
BOOOOOTS? HERE BOOTSIE BOY! WE HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU!
What is your mortgage on this place?
Is your electric bill just thousands of dollars every month?
Can you pay my rent?
Which way to the Wonkavator?
Do you give guests complimentary chalk so they can mark their way around the house?
How often do you use the ballroom? Is it available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs?
Where do you keep all the sheets and towels? You must need a whole room to store them.
How many vacuums do you —
BOOTS! It's okay, everyone, we found Boots. At least, we think this is Boots. It's been a while.
Leonora Epstein is Hunker's Senior Director of Content. She has previously served as Executive Editor at HelloGiggles and as BuzzFeed's Deputy Editorial Director. She is the co-author of "X vs. Y: A Culture War, a Love Story" (Abrams, 2014). Feel free to reach out at email@example.com.